Lance is a crime fighting machine...UPDATED...

What I love about the Lance is the curly-cue on his forehead. You can always see it no matter where his head is. Classic.

UPDATE: This one was a little tougher huh? The solution is below

Welcome to Bizarro World...

As with any good cult, there’s not a whiff of rational appeal to be found; the “argument” for joining, such as it is, is the feeling of warm fuzzies you’ll derive, appropriately symbolized by a harmless yet adorable baby chick whom we’ll call “Barry.” This one’s destined for MTV and Comedy Central, partly because of the C-list celebrity spokesmen at the end but mostly because the jokey herpes analogy communicates just enough sexual sophistication to impress the average 18-year-old as “hip.” The punchline? Strip away the MoveOn graphics and you could insert this as is into any episode of “Mad TV,” where it would be received without a second thought as a heavy-handed parody of the vacuity of Obamamania.

I’m tellin’ ya, they’re gonna change the electronic voting screens to say, “Click here to accept Barack Obama’s Friend Request” so that these dim-witted youth voters can figure out how to cast their ballots for Obama. It’ll be like ballots in Spanish. You will soon be able to request your ballot in electronic youth-speak.

This next ad is an actual ad decrying the media for being in the tank for McCain. Yes you read that correctly.

Today is the 80th anniversary of...

"Steamboat Willie". The first talkie Mickey cartoon. In honor of that, I will show you some cartoon theme songs that shaped my childhood.

This last one is not a cartoon but it is probably my favorite theme song of all time. I wanted to be Mary's husband so badly I could taste it. Hanging with her in the snow. Cooking in the little kitchen. What a great apartment she had. And a special treat for you it's the first year theme song. It is a little different than the one from years 2-7. I have won a few bar bets with this one.

So, what did I miss?

I'm nation wide...

with regards to ZZ Top.

Flew to Phoenix this weekend. It is freaking hot there. 5 am - 93 degrees. I'm talking hot.

The temp wasn't the only thing that was hot. I went out there to sing with my brothers band. They had a gig lined up and had no singer. Well, no tenor anyway. Paul can sing just not as high as I can. And as we all know, there aren't too many baritone songs around. Crash Test Dummies; that's about it. He asked if I would come out. Kelly was happy to get rid of me, so off I went.

Had a blast. It was the 60th birthday party for the brother of a friend. About 100 people. Open bar. Good times. We did The Beatles, Simon and Garfunkle, James Taylor, BTO, Eric Clapton, CCR, The Eagles and the like. The guys in the band were excellent musicians and everything came together nicely. I like to think what we would have sounded like if we had actually practiced. Three of the guys I met at 6:00 on Saturday night. We played at 7:00 on Saturday night. We played about 3 hours all together. There were some hitches but all in all a very good performance. So good in fact the band got a few more gigs out of the deal. Hey Paul, if you start charging what you should be charging, I'll come out again and actually make some money this time. The trip cost me about $20 bucks. That includes flying out there. Not bad at all.

I will do it again in a heartbeat if asked. Next time though I bring my wife. I would love to bring the kids too but after watching the parents in the airport trying to corale their rug rats...no thanks. They can stay at Grandmas house over night.

I sure missed my crew Saturday morning. The kind of miss that makes you ache inside. I wanted to be home swimming and playing. I wanted just to be there. Paul and his family made it much easier to bear and eventually I did make it home. As I said before, I would do it again in a heartbeat.

I would like to thank Paul, Maggie, Eric and Miranda for having me and showing me a great time. Swimming, cigar smolking, video game playing, and just talking are a nice way to spend the weekend.

Oh yea, the singing thing was nice too.

Just got back from the gig in Arizona...

That title should be said in your best Barney Fife with the nose sniff and the mouth contortion at the end.

Spent the weekend with my brother Paul, his wife Maggie and their two kids Eric and Miranda. Had a blast. I will have a much more detailed post tomorrow. Right now I'm beat. Just wanted to get something down. It's been a while.

A little snippet...

The other day I was out mowing the lawn. As I was getting the hose ready to water I heard something rustling in the jasmine. It was a little turtle. Never missing an opportunity to show the kids some wild life, I picked it up and brought it into the house. Ian went right for it. He was going to touch it. I said, "No. No. No. Ian. We have to be careful." He slunked back and went and sat next to Kelly.

He wouldn't pet the turtle. Only after I brought it back outside did he get the courage to touch it.

I kick myself for stopping him. He was going to touch the turtle with no inhibitions. He wouldn't have hurt the turtle because I was holding it and they have a very hard shell if you didn't know. I feel like I stifled his inquisitiveness, his need to explore, his sense of wonder, his yearning to learn. There is a fine line between being a watchful parent and being a mother hen and I jumped right over it.

I hope I remember this little incident when he wants to explore something else. Keep an eye on him but let him go, dufus.

Why Am I Soft in the Middle...

when the rest of my life is so hard?

My life is not hard I was just quoting a song. I actually woke up with that song in my head this morning hence that song. How is it I get songs stuck in my head after sleep? They usually present themselves during...mmm...my morning constitutional. I'll just start humming or da-daing or do-doing, well you get the picture. "She's got Betty Davis Eyes" Huh? How'd that get there?

Madison is at dance camp this week. She is learning tap, ballet. All the biggies. She said they even learned how to use the ballet bar thingy. The long bar that runs across the length of the room where the ballerinas stretch. She was very excited. Monday I came home and asked her what she did at dance camp that day. She said "We are having pizza on Friday." Priorities.

Ian is doing something very cute. Of course, I am the father so I could be a little biased but I'll let you decide. Over the couch in our family room we have large black and white pictures of the kids. They were taken when they were anywhere from 3 to 6 months old. Ian was standing there looking at them. He pointed to Reagan's picture and said "Reagan!". He then pointed to Madison's picture and said "Ma-sson!". He then pointed to his picture and said "You!".

It took us just a second to figure that one out. Since he could walk we've been showing him pictures of everybody and every time we show him one of himself we say "Who's that, Ian?", "That's you." So now when he sees a picture of himself he says "You." Very clever boy.

Did I mention Reagan is jovial and rolls everywhere? I don't want to make it seem like I am forgetting about her it's just that right now there is not much new going on with here. She is sitting up in her high chair when she eats now. She is a very fast roller on the carpet. She is very strong. She had one of Ian's shoes and he wanted it so he went to grab it from her. The look on his face made it clear this was not going to be as easy as talking candy from a baby, or a shoe as it were. He tugged a few times and she did not let go. Finally, he gave one last hard pull and just before he heaved...she let go. He went flying backwards across the room and landed on his big Mac Lego truck and smashed it into all its Lego pieces. I could have sworn Reagan turned to me and winked. She gets that from her mother. Maybe Ian's not as clever as we think.

Don't worry the Lego truck was easily re-assembled. Ian's bottom was another story.

Lance is a bad mutha...UPDATED...

"Shut yo mouth!"
"I'm only talkin bout Lance."
"I can dig it."

Lance, being an expert in pig anatomy, knew Hampshire pigs were black with a white strip around their shoulders that extended down their legs. That pig in frame 1 is no Hampshire. The stupid thief had no clue and was captured and confessed before he knew what hit him...

IT WAS LANCE!

Ernest Hemingway was born today...

so in that vain I will write the following blog in Hemingway style.

The gym was new and clean. Much unlike the gyms in which I spent my youth: musty, old edifices that could have survived winds of the hurricane type. Madison was enthusiastically practicing soccer with the other offspring. All was well. Until the "coach" decided to use his unusurpable power to play a game that can only be described as the prelude to anarchy. The participants were lined up along each side of the gym while the plethora of balls was placed in the middle. The eager children were told that they had to run to the middle of the gym and bring as many balls back to their side of the gym as possible. On the "Go", they rushed to the covey of balls with unbridled avarice. All the while reminding one of a stampede of the buffalo type. As you would expect, someone was run over by one of the opposing buffalo. She hit hard. Although the gym floor was made of the new space-age rubber polymer, it might as well have been made of concrete of the air hanger type.

I picked Madison up and brought her to the bleachers. Madison wept the tears of defeat, much like the Spaniards in The Battle of Cartagena. After a while, she said she felt better. I then proceeded to give her the speech of the "When you fall off the horse you must get back on" type. She made a go of it. I was as proud as a red-blooded American man could be. Her bravery was rewarded with a refreshing swim with water so clear and clean it felt as if you were in a mountain stream unmolested by human intervention.

The rest of the weekend was relaxing. Swimming. Hiking, Sport playing of the baseball type. One image of Madison wearing her new pink leotard for her dance camp while practicing swinging a baseball bat brought visions of a well-rounded individual who will ultimately succeed in life because she takes on life's challenges head first much like the bald eagle of Alaska who, as a bird of prey, know they're cool.

Ian has turned a corner. His days of perpetual unhappiness of the tantrum type are over. He still has his moments of testosterone filled outbursts but his skills of the reasoning type have increased proportionally to his height. Despite his outward ruggedness, Ian is a sensitive soul. Always with a hug for Madison or Reagan as needed.

Reagan is joining the throngs of the toothed. The white dots are appearing on her gum line as the glaciers of the Arctic appear on the horizon while waking up in the crows nest after a night of drinking single malt scotch and wondering how I actually ended up in the crows nest. She is constantly jovial. Which endears her to this weather worn heart even more.

To say I am lucky would be an understatement the likes of which have never been witnessed.

Introducing Lance Lawson...UPDATED...

Lance Lawson was a comic strip in the 40's and 50's. 4 frames. A crime. And a crime solved. Very economical crime fighting.

It is all based on visual evidence. There is some clue in the strip that usually gives it away. Of course, that is unless it is based on actually knowing something. A typical Lance Lawson dialogue:

"I was listening to Beethoven's 10th and I heard the gunshot. I rushed down here and he was dead."

"You're lying."

"You're right I did it."

Lance don't fool around.

Please leave a comment if you think you know the answer. Heck leave one even if you don't.

The answers will be posted later in an update of the same post.

Click on the image to get a bigger picture. It's easier to read.

Enjoy...