One of the funnist movies ever produced. It is in my top 2 at least. The quotes from this movie are endless. Proof below.
The story is about Ralphie who wants a BB gun for Christmas and his trials and tribulations in going about getting one. Hilarity ensues.
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Old Man: They go all over.
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Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] My little brother had not eaten voluntarily in over three years.
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Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] Only one thing in the world could've dragged me away from the soft glow of electric sex gleaming in the window.
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[Ralphie is visiting Santa at the department store, only he can't remember what he wanted]
Santa Claus: How about a nice football?
Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] Football? Football? What's a football? With unconscious will my voice squeaked out 'football'.
Santa Claus: Okay, get him out of here.
Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] A football? Oh no, what was I doing? Wake up, Stupid! Wake up!
Ralphie: [Ralphie is shoved down the slide, but he stops himself and climbs back up] No! No! I want an Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle!
Santa Claus: You'll shoot your eye out, kid.
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Ralphie as Adult: [narrating, after BB gun shot bounces off target and hits his face] Oh my god, I shot my eye out!
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Ralphie: [narrating, after stepping on his glasses] Pulverized!
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Ralphie: I don't think a football is a very good Christmas present. Man that's great.
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Randy: Hey a zeppelin. Hey that's mine.
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Boy in School: [Firemen come to pull Flick off pole] Holy cow, it's the fire department!
Ralphie: Oh no...
Boy in School: [policemen come] Wow, it's the cops!
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Ralphie: I want an official Red Ryder, carbine action, two-hundred shot range model air rifle!
Mrs. Parker: No, you'll shoot your eye out.
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Mr. Parker: Get the glue.
Mother: We're out of glue.
Mr. Parker: You used up all the glue on purpose!
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Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] I have since heard of people under extreme duress speaking in strange tongues. I became conscious that a steady torrent of obscenities and swearing of all kinds was pouring out of me as I screamed.
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Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] They looked at me as if I had lobsters crawling out of my ears.
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Ralphie: Oooh fuuudge!
Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] Only I didn't say "Fudge." I said THE word, the big one, the queen-mother of dirty words, the "F-dash-dash-dash" word!
Mr. Parker: [stunned] *What* did you say?
Ralphie: Uh, um...
Mr. Parker: That's... what I thought you said. Get in the car. Go on!
Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] It was all over - I was dead. What would it be? The guillotine? Hanging? The chair? The rack? The Chinese water torture? Hmmph. Mere child's play compared to what surely awaited me.
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Ralphie as Adult: [narrating about diving with his brother into the gifts under the Christmas tree] We plunged into the cornucopia quivering with desire and the ecstasy of unbridled avarice.
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Ralphie: [While scratching his eye under his glasses] Whoooo should I start with?
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Mr. Parker: It's a Major Award!
Swede: Shucks, I wouldn't know that. It looks like a lamp.
Mr. Parker: What is a lamp, you nincompoop? It's a Major Award. I won it!
Swede: Damn, hell, you say won it?
Mr. Parker: Yeah, mind power, Swede; mind power.
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[after cracking a secret code]
Ralphie: [Reading it] Be sure to drink your Ovaltine. Ovaltine? A crummy commercial? Son of a bitch!
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Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] Some men are Baptists, others Catholics; my father was an Oldsmobile man.
Mr. Parker: That son of a bitch would freeze up in the middle of summer on the equator!
Mother: Little pitchers!
Mr. Parker: Thanks... hold it!
[the furnace conks out]
Mr. Parker: It's a clinker! That blasted stupid furnace dadgummit!
[he walks down a few stairs and falls the rest of the way down]
Mr. Parker: Damn skates!
[coughing]
Mr. Parker: Oh, for cripes sake, open up the damper will ya? Who the hell turned it all the way down? AGAIN! Oh, blast it!
Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] In the heat of battle my father wove a tapestry of obscenities that as far as we know is still hanging in space over Lake Michigan.
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Ralphie: Heh, I was just kidding, even though Schwartz is getting one. I guess I'd just like some Tinker Toys.
Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] I couldn't believe my own ears. Tinker Toys? She'd never buy it.
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Mother: All right. Now, are you ready to tell me where you heard that word?
Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] Now, I had heard that word at least ten times a day from my old man. He worked in profanity the way other artists might work in oils or clay. It was his true medium; a master. But, I chickened out and said the first name that came to mind.
Ralphie: Schwartz!
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Head Elf: COME ON, KID!
[pulls Ralphie]
Head Elf: COME ON!
Santa Claus: HO! HO HO!
[spins Ralphie around]
Santa Claus: HOOOO... HOOO... HOO... And what's your name little boy?
Male Elf: Hey, kid! HURRY UP! THE STORE'S CLOSING!
Head Elf: Listen little boy, we have A LOT of people waiting here, so GET GOING!
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[Mr. Parker reads a side of the box with the prize that he won]
Mr. Parker: Fra-gee-lay. That must be Italian.
Mrs. Parker: Uh, I think that says FRAGILE, dear.
Mr. Parker: Oh, yeah.
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The Old Man: Sons of bitches! Bumpuses!
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Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] Over the years I got to be quite a connoisseur of soap. My personal preference was for Lux, but I found Palmolive had a nice, piquant after-dinner flavor - heady, but with just a touch of mellow smoothness. Life Buoy, on the other hand...
Ralphie: YECCHH!
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Miss Shields: Now I know that some of you put Flick up to this, but he has refused to say who. But those who did it know their blame, and I'm sure that the guilt you feel is far worse than any punishment you might receive. Now, don't you feel terrible? Don't you feel remorse for what you have done? Well, that's all I'm going to say about poor Flick.
Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] Adults loved to say things like that but kids knew better. We knew darn well it was always better not to get caught.
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[overdressed for winter]
Randy: I can't put my arms down!
Mother: Well... put your arms down when you get to school.
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Goggles: I like The Wizard of Oz. I like the Tin Man.
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Ralph: Don't bother me I'm...thinking.
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[Describing a "reaction" to an encounter with the bullies]
Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] Randy lay there like a slug! It was his only defense!
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Ralphie: Scut Farkus!
Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] Scut Farkus! What a rotten name! We were trapped. There he stood, between us and the alley. Scut Farkus staring out at us with his yellow eyes. He had yellow eyes! So, help me, God! Yellow eyes!
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[in a Chinese restaurant]
Waiter #1, Waiter #2, Waiter #3: [singing] Deck the harrs with boughs of horry, fa ra ra ra ra, ra ra ra ra.
Chop Suey Palace Owner: No, no, not 'ra ra ra ra', 'la la la la'! Try again.
Waiter #1, Waiter #2, Waiter #3: Deck the harrs with boughs of horry, fa ra ra ra ra, ra ra ra ra.
Chop Suey Palace Owner: No, no! Sing something else.
Waiter #1, Waiter #2, Waiter #3: Jingre bers, jingre bers, jingre arr the way. Oh what fun it is to ride in a one-horse open sreigh!
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Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] Schwartz created a slight breach of etiquette by skipping the triple dare and going right for the throat!
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Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] My father could replace fuses faster than a jack rabbit on a date.
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[marveling at a Christmas gift he just opened]
Mr. Parker: A can of Simonize!
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Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] My kid brother looked like a tick about to pop!
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Randy: Daddy's gonna kill Ralphie!
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Randy: Meatloaf, smeatloaf, double-beatloaf. I hate meatloaf.
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Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] The old man stood there, quivering with fury, stammering as he tried to come up with a real crusher. All he got out was...
The Old Man: Naddafinga!
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Goggles: I like Santa.
Ralphie: Yeah.
Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] Let's face it, most of us are scoffers. But moments before zero hour, it did not pay to take chances.
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Ralphie: Mom, this is just the same dumb old parade as last year.
Mother: Ralphie, will you please calm down?
Ralphie: Mom!
Mother: Hush!
Mr. Parker: SHUT UP, Ralphie!
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Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] Never had the words flowed from my penny pencil with such feverish fluidity.
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Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] Strange. Even something as momentous as the Scut Farkus affair, which it came to be known, was pushed out of my mind as I struggled to come up with a way out of the impenetrable BB gun web, in which my mother had me trapped.
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Santa Claus: Oh, I hate the smell of tapioca.
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Mom: [Playing Santa] And this is for daddy...
[Picks up a gift-wrapped bowling ball and drops it in The Old Man's Lap]
Mom: Here, from me to you.
The Old Man: [high-pitched] Thanks a lot!
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Miss Shields: Where's Flick? Has anyone seen Flick?
Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating as Ralphie feigns ignorance] Flick? Flick who?
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Mr. Parker: [Reading Telegram and doing a little jig] Tonight! Tonight! It's coming Tonight! Tonight! Tonight! Tonight! Hot Damn, Tonight!
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Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] My father worked in profanity the way other artists might work in oils or clay. It was his true medium, a master.
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Randy: Aw, gee.
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Mr. Parker: Dadgummit! Blow out!
[on the highway, the car has gotten a flat tire]
Mr. Parker: Ah ha!
[excitedly gets out of the car]
Mother: Not again.
Mr. Parker: Four minutes. Time me.
Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] Actually the Old Man loved it. He had always pictured himself in the pits of the Indianapolis Speedway in the 500. My old man's spare tires were actually only tires in the academic sense. They were round, they had once been made of rubber.
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Ralphie as Adult: [narrating, after Mother breaks the Old Man's Major Award, and he is unsuccessful at repairing it] With as much dignity as he could muster, the Old Man gathered up the sad remains of his shattered major award. Later that night, alone in the backyard, he buried it next to the garage. Now I could never be sure, but I thought that I heard the sound of "Taps" being played, gently.
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Mr. Parker: [after Mother "accidentally" breaks the Old Man's leg lamp] Don't you touch that! You were always jealous of this lamp.
Mother: Jealous of a plastic...
Mr. Parker: Jealous! Jealous because I WON.
Mother: That's ridiculous. Jealous. Jealous of WHAT? That is... the ugliest lamp I have ever seen in my entire LIFE!
Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] Now it was out.
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Mother: This isn't one of those trees where all the needles falls off, is it?
Tree Man: No, that's them balsams.
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Mr. Parker: [to Mother] You know, Zudock just bought one of those brand new green, plastic trees.
Tree Man: Oh no!
Mr. Parker: Darn thing looked like it was made of green pipe cleaners. Hee hee hee hee.
Mother: It's a very nice tree.
Tree Man: [quickly] I'll thrown in some rope and tie it to your car for you.
Mr. Parker: You got a deal.
Tree Man: Deal.
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Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] The heavenly aroma still hung in the house. But it was gone, all gone! No turkey! No turkey sandwiches! No turkey salad! No turkey gravy! Turkey Hash! Turkey a la King! Or gallons of turkey soup! Gone, ALL GONE!
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Ralphie: Hey Dad! I'll bet you'll never guess what I got you for Christmas.
The Old Man: A new furnace.
Ralphie: Ha ha! That's a good one, Dad!
[Randy laughs]
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Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] Oh, life is like that. Sometimes, at the height of our revelries, when our joy is at it's zenith, when all is most right with the world, the most unthinkable disasters decend upon us.
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Mr. Parker: Holy smokes. Do... Do you know what this is? This is... A lamp!
Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] It was indeed a lamp.
Mr. Parker: Isn't that great? What a great lamp.
Mother: I don't know...
Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] The old man's eyes boggled...
Mr. Parker: Oh WOW!
Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] ... Overcome by art.
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Mr. Parker: Get in the car. Get in the car.
[Mother runs back inside]
Mr. Parker: If we don't hurry, we're gonna miss all the good trees!
Mr. Parker: [to the kids] Go on, go on.
Ralphie as Adult: [narrating, as Mother switches off the leg lamp] My mother was about to make another brilliant maneuver in the legendary battle of the lamp. The epic struggle which follows lives in the folklore of Cleveland Street to this very day.
Mother: Don't want to waste electricity.
Mr. Parker: [mockingly] "Don't want to waste electricity."
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[last lines]
Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] Next to me in the blackness lay my oiled blue steel beauty. The greatest Christmas gift I had ever received, or would ever receive. Gradually, I drifted off to sleep, pringing ducks on the wing and getting off spectacular hip shots.
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Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] There has never been a kid who didn't believe vaguely but insistently that he would be stricken blind before he reached 21, and then they'd be sorry.
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Ralphie: [in his fantasy, Ralphie explains the cause of his blindness] It... It 'twas... soap poisoning!
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Narrator: Was there no end to the conspiracy of irrational prejudice against Red Ryder and his peacemaker?
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Ralphie: [Giving his teacher a fruit basket instead of just an apple] I thought you might like something different.
Ralphie as Adult: Yes, clearly, a little bribe never hurts.
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Ralphie as Adult: I slowly began to realize that i was not going to be destroyed.
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Ralphie: Well, what have we got here, folks?
Mr. Parker: Well, we figure it's Black Bart, uh, Ralph.
Ralphie: Well, it's just me and my trusty old Red Ryder carbine-action, 200-shot, range model air rifle. Lucky I got a compass in the stock.
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Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] Honors and benefits already at the age of nine!
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Ralphie: Hey Dad! I bet you never guess what I got you for Christmas!
The Old Man: [staring blissfully into space] A new furnace?
Ralphie: [chuckling] He he, that's a good one Dad!
Randy: [lauging] He he he!
Ralphie as Adult: My old man was one of the most feared furnace fighters in Northern Indiana.
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Ralphie as Adult: My father's spare tires were only tires on the academic sense. They were round,and had once been made of rubber.
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Ralphie as Adult: Immediately, my feet began to sweat as those two fluffy little bunnies with a blue button eye stared supply up at me.
Mother: Come down so I can see you better.
Ralphie as Adult: I just hope Flick would never spot them as a word of this humiliation could make life at Warren G. Harding Elementary School a variatable Hell.
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And possibly the greatest moment in this movie was not a line at all but a gesture:
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