My one recurring dream...

is a sucky one at best. It involves Kelly and my insecurities.

The dream is a little different each time. The era changes. The supporting cast changes. The one thing that doesn't change is the theme. In the end, Kelly and I are not together. Remember I am talking about a dream here.

Most of them take place in high school. I met Kelly in high school and pined for her even then. She and I went on a few dates but, much to my chagrin, nothing ever materialized. I wasn't aggressive enough. She was too innocent. I don't know. It just didn't work out. In the dreams, she is usually chasing the same guy. She is very attentive when he's around and because I pretty much stalk her in my dreams I know exactly whet she's thinking. She lights up whenever he's around.

This takes place in every. single. freakin. dream.

The feelings I have in the midst of the dreams are as real as the emotions I feel now. I wonder why she doesn't want to be with me. I wish I was the other guy so she would want to be with me. I feel frustration that the other guy doesn't appreciate her the way I would. It is a sickening soup of pain and anguish and longing that truly puts me in the doldrums.

Sometimes we are together at first but then through the course of the nightmare she finds another guy and I am history. Sometimes she is dating the guy. Sometimes she is just wooing the guy. Always the guy and always with the dating.

Of course I try to analyze the dream. Am I jealous of this other guy? Perhaps. But no way in the world would I switch places with him. Do I not trust Kelly? Ummm...no. Kelly is the most honest and trustworthy person I have ever met. Bar none. End of sentence. Period.

After all the hand wringing and psycho-analysis, I have come to one conclusion. I have these god-awful gut wrenching dreams because of the way they make me feel...when I wake up.

When I wake up and turnover and realize she is there with little ole me, there is an overwhelming sense of relief. Calm. Joy. Contentment. Happiness. Peace. Love.

I guess it's one of those "you don't know what you've got til it's gone" sort of things. My subconscious is reminding me every once in a while what I have and to make sure I never take it for granted. I am only human. I do take her for granted and I publicly apologize for that, Kelly.

I'm just glad my subconscious is a lot smarter than I.